Get Mad Then Get Over It

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes,

I am out of control and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

~ Marilyn Monroe

I have a confession.  I have to come clean.  I can’t keep it a secret any longer.  So here it is.  Sometimes I don’t feel so very grateful and forgiving.  Sometimes I am just really pissed off.  And yes, sometimes “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.”  And I don’t want to be grateful or forgiving.  I want to be mad.  I want to be angry and rage against assholes and mean people and the establishment.  I want to stomp my feet, pound my fists against the bars of my self-made prison and raise some hell. 

Sometimes I want to tell my ex-husband to “go fuck himself.”  Other times I’d really like to tell my boss to “kiss my ass.”  At times I fantasize telling my dad “to shut the hell up” or asking my mom, “Why the hell are you such a bitch?”

 

Recently I found these really cool cards that instead of saying “Thank You” say “Fuck You.”  I’m pretty sure these cards could come in quite handy.  First, I could send a “Fuck You” card to my divorce attorneys whom I paid thousands of dollars for absolutely nothing.  While I’m at it, I’d send a little note to the idiot bureaucrat at the Child Support Enforcement Office who lost my paperwork that fondly says, “Fuck You, Asshole.” Lastly, I’d make a list of all the men who have ever pretended to care about me but fucked me over and send them all “Fuck You. With love, Donna” cards.

Colin Powell tells us to “Get mad.  Then get over it.”  Maybe I don’t want to get over it. Maybe I want to be just plain mad.

It is okay to be angry.  Anger is simply a feeling not a behavior.  So while I like to fantasize about sending “Fuck You” cards, I won’t.  As Melody Beattie says in The Language of Letting Go, “Feeling angry – and sometimes, the act of blaming – is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change – of grieving.  We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.”  Feeling our emotions is especially important to those of us who may have grown up in an environment where it wasn’t okay to express our emotions.  We were told we were “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”  So we squashed our emotions and lived in fear of feeling anything.  Emotions are a part of living, and to suppress them is not healthy.
 
Recently I met a man at a friend’s Thanksgiving dinner. Over the course of the evening we talked about visiting other countries, our careers, and our sons who are both a little different.  I could see behind his somewhat nerdy glasses and geeky exterior that he could actually be quite sexy.  More importantly, I found him to be genuine.  So I asked him to my office Christmas party, and he said, “Yes.” 

Over the course of the next three weeks, we traded texts and talked on the phone.  I invited him to dinner and sliced vegetables and prepared chili while we talked about our lives.  We shared our pasts, our dreams, and our fears. We became fairly close in a relatively short period of time.  He even read my blog and didn’t run away.  Our relationship was sweet and innocent.  We never even kissed.  He was the wisest, kindest, most gentle man I had ever met.  And he liked ME.  Not the blond hair, blue-eyed, petite me.  But the domestic violence survivor, twice-divorced, and still rough around the edges me.  At least, so I thought.  I am not even quite sure what happened, but he eventually did become scared and no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with me.  He ran away.

I was hurt, angry, pissed off, and terribly disappointed.  I wanted to stomp my feet and pound my fists.  I wanted to scream “Why?!  I don’t understand!”    On the day he told me he didn’t want a relationship, I came home to find a package on my porch containing the stupid dress I had ordered to go to the party.  I unpacked my suitcase and found the stupid scarf I bought at the airport shop to wear as a wrap around my shoulders.  I cried.  And then cried some more.

I hadn’t been looking for anyone.  I was practicing the lesson of letting go - “Let go, and let God.”  I had resigned myself that when the timing was right, the Universe would put the right person in front of me. So I thought this kind man was that person.  What hurt most was thinking that if this kind and gentle man could not find it in his heart to care for me, who would?    

Melody Beattie continues, “We won’t stay angry forever.  But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.”

I know I won’t stay angry forever.  But I’m allowing myself to be mad for a while longer as I come to terms with what I thought the relationship could have been and accept how it really is.  I have a right to get mad.  If a man does not have the courage to accept me with all my scars and broken pieces, to hell with him.  I should get pissed off and stomp my feet and yell at the top of my lungs.  Because “if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  I love, I laugh, and I cry.  And if you allow me to care for you yet don’t have the guts to follow through, you deserve my anger and rage.  And maybe I’ll consider sending you a “Fuck You” card in the mail along with the others. 

I am reminded of the poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall,

After a While

“After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…”

 
I realize now that after almost two years of therapy and a multitude of self-help books, my heart is still too vulnerable to begin a relationship with a man no matter how kind and gentle he is.  And while it may be tempting to have someone hold me and tell me everything will be okay, the task of healing my heart and becoming strong again must be accomplished alone.  Happiness is an inside job, and healing is a solitary journey.  So I’ll “get mad then get over it” and focus on me.  I will plant my own garden and decorate my own soul.  I’ll cultivate big, bright red gerbera daisies; soft, gentle lambs’ ear; and fragrant, calming lavender.  I’ll plant aromatic Asiatic lilies, heirloom foxgloves, and whimsical hollyhocks. 

After all that has happened in my past, I could evolve into a selfish, heartless bitch.  I could harden my heart to caring about anyone ever again.  At times I think I probably should.  It would be easier.  But that’s not who I am.  For some reason, I still believe in the goodness of people.  Even men.  I still believe in love.  I still have hope that somewhere, someday I will meet a man that truly cares for me.  If not, at least I will have me – the blue-eyed, blond hair, broken but put back together with super glue and duct tape, authentic me.

 

Living a Life in Limbo

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.

~ Dr. Seuss

One afternoon a couple years ago, my son, who was five, was watching a DVD about the Spanish Amada or maybe Sir Francis Drake.  He proceeded to tell my mom all about the history of Queen Elizabeth I and the war between England and Spain, then went back to watching his DVD.  My mom amazed at his knowledge said “One day, E is going to be teacher.”  I responded, “I’m hoping he’ll be a lawyer or a professor.”  At this point E realized we were talking about him and decides to contribute in his five year old worldly wisdom, “I think I will just be myself.” 

With a clarity and simplicity about the world that only children possess, he decisively reminded us silly adults that his choice of profession is ultimately insignificant as long as he remains true to himself.  Adults insist on labeling, classifying, judging, deciding and affirming everything and everyone.  Adults must shove, push and squash everyone into a nice, clean, concise category when we really need to Let Go.

I was reminded of this recently while visiting the orthopedic doctor’s office for pain in my left hip.  I was asked to fill out the New Patient Forms as is the case when visiting a new doctor.  I sat down with the clipboard and pen and dutifully filled in my name, gender, date of birth, and address.  I came to “Marital Status.” I stopped.  My choices were “Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed.”  Hmmmmm.  Where’s the “Separated for Over a Year, but Ex is an Asshole and Will Not Sign the Settlement Papers” choice?  I was unable to find it.

I never gave this question much thought in my married days.  But now being neither married nor divorced, what should I answer?  How about Nothing?  Why do they care?  What the hell does my marital status have to do with treating my hip anyway?!  Will the doc give me different medication if I am widowed as opposed to divorced?  Will I have different physical therapy if I am single opposed to married?  Hell, I gave my emergency contact as my mom, can’t you figure it out?

And so I left it blank.

I am living my life in limbo in "The Waiting Place."  I am no longer married, but I cannot yet call myself divorced or single.

So what am I?  For the most part I live my day to day life as if I’m divorced.  I call my son’s dad, my “ex” rather than my “soon-to-be ex”.  “Soon-to-be-ex” is much too complicated to explain to my co-workers and acquaintances.  However, the law would say I am “legally separated.”  I would say I am none of the above.  

I am myself.

My not being divorced is not for lack of trying.  My ex and I physically separated 18 months ago and legally separated 14 months ago.  But I still don’t have those stupid signed separation settlement papers in my little fist.  I have no documentation on file with the court to dictate custody, child support, visitation, etc.  We do have an unsigned set of papers that we loosely adhere to.  However, according to the papers, my ex has visitation every other weekend.  He doesn’t visit.  My ex has my son every other holiday.  He doesn’t take him. 

What he does do is pay child support late every month.  He visits roughly every two months on some random schedule only known to him.  He continually threatens to stop child support.  He insists he shouldn’t be required pay the agreed amount regardless that it’s less than the state’s calculated child support amount.  And he threatens to move back to England every other week, so he doesn’t have to pay anything at all.

Basically, he tries to manipulate and control me.  I shouldn’t be surprised.  As a narcissistic abuser, he will continue believing he is above the law.  He will continue thinking he is superior to everyone else.  Could I survive without child support?  Yes, I could.  Would it be easy?  No.  But why should I let him walk away from his duty as a father?  My ex now makes double my salary.  Double.  So, will I continue taking his money?  Hell, yeah.  I’m going to make him pay for his son as is his duty as a father and as required by law.  I’ll keep taking his child support until he makes good on his threats and moves back to England.

In the meantime, I can deal with his manipulation and controlling behavior.  I have to admit it does bother me at times.  But I am in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago or even six months ago.  I’ve learned to realize there are things out my control and things in my control.  I’ve learned not to overreact, to take deep breaths, and then calmly decide what to do.  His threats and his actions are out of my control.  But how I respond to his threats and manipulation IS something I CAN control.

I’ve learned to let his bluster go in one ear and out the other.  He has made his threats so long and often there is no weight behind them any longer.  When he starts yelling and threatening me I hold the phone away from my ear and then, at a pause, I try talking calmly.  If that doesn’t work, I calmly inform him I’m hanging up, I say goodbye, and press “End.”  I can tell you that listening to him rant and not responding in kind brings me so much satisfaction.  Not rising to the occasion means he is no longer in control.  I am.  And what an amazing accomplishment that is!

In addition, I am eliminating his ability to threaten non-payment by filing paperwork with the Child Support Enforcement office.  I’m really not sure why the hell I haven’t done this by now, but my attorneys didn’t think it was necessary originally and it would take too long if we could work out a verbal agreement.  But at this point, our house is sold, custody is definitely not an issue; so why wait for settlement papers to be filed?  The Child Support Enforcement papers will go in the mail on Monday, and then hopefully, there will be no more threats and no more manipulation because his child support payment will be out of HIS control.  Then maybe I can finally make my way through this land of limbo.

Even if our lives are in limbo, because we are waiting on some decision, a date, or a piece of paperwork; we are not helpless.  First, realize what is not in your control, and choose how you will respond.  Your response is in your control.  In most cases, the best choice is detachment and acceptance.  Second, determine what is in your control and take action. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my career that holds true in my journey of divorce is to be proactive.  Otherwise, you are still a victim to others’ whims and wants.  Don’t wait for something to happen.  Form a plan.  Do your research.  Set priorities.  Then execute your plan.  If it fails, so what?  You stood up and took action.  It’s better than sitting at home on your butt waiting for things to happen to you.  Make another plan and try again. As my mom always told me, “If at first you don’t succeed; try, try, try again.”  Eventually, you will get somewhere.  You will transverse the murky land of limbo. You will leave the Waiting Place behind.  And you will do it by taking action, being proactive, and by not being a victim.

You are a survivor.  And more importantly, you are yourself. :o)

15 Things I've Learned Since Sending My Husband to Jail

"Once you stop learning, you start dying."

~ Albert Einstein

1.        Being alone is okay and actually quite liberating.  It’s no longer necessary to exhaust yourself pleasing someone else.  Being alone means you now have time and energy discovering what pleases you and experiencing the activities you enjoy.  You can learn new skills and grow into the woman you wish to be.  Practice yoga, go running, learn to draw, or go for a hike.  There are a multitude of activities to perform or skills to learn to take care of yourself and be you.

2.       How to change out the battery on my riding lawn mower.  Just remember wear leather gloves and shoes, don’t stand in water, and red equals HOT.

3.       Don’t forget to laugh!  Laugh like a kid.  Giggle.  Laugh so hard your stomach hurts and your eyes water.  Laugh when your day is hectic and stressful and you can’t possibly handle one more thing.  Laughing helps you keep your perspective on what’s important and what’s not.  As long as you are alive, you have a reason to laugh.  Plus, you will achieve the added health benefit of releasing endorphins in your system and relieving stress.

New Beginnings - A Time of Change

"No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!"

-C JoyBell C

Today is Earth Day. And here in the southeastern United States, we are definitely in the throes of spring. My rose bushes are weighted down with an abundance of red blooms, green lizards are running across my deck, trees are green with their new leaves, irises and azaleas are blooming, and blue herons are building their nests. With this abundance of color and growth, I reflect on renewal and new beginnings.

Today marks one year of being legally separated from my abuser. North Carolina divorce law requires married couples to be separated for a year with no attempts of reconciliation. My husband last attacked me on December 26, 2010. I called the police, and they took him to jail. Upon release from jail he flew immediately to Tennessee where he had been living since November. My husband was required to attend anger management and parenting classes. Ten weeks into his anger management classes, my husband said he wanted us to be a family again.  I had hopes my husband had learned from his mistakes and had evolved into a more compassionate person. So we attempted to reconcile in the spring of 2011.

We visited the mountains of North Carolina with our son during his school's spring break. As a family we hiked the trails and visited craft and antique shops. I had the unrealistic expectation that he would be a changed man. Unfortunately, this was not the case. We continued to argue, and I could see his anger boiling beneath the surface. He blamed me for all our problems. He would not acknowledge any responsibility for his actions the night he assaulted me. I walked on eggshells the remainder of the week worrying he would blow up.

I know now that no amount of anger management classes will change the essence of a person's soul. If they are an arrogant, selfish, uncompassionate narcissist, they always will be. They will continue to believe they are superior, above the law, and unaccountable for their actions.

Running with One Headlight: Learning Acceptance

“I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
- Maya Angelou

I was having writer's block.  Or maybe it's called blogger's block.  Ideas bounced around in my mind, but nothing was inspiring me.  So I decided to go for a run. 

I began executing my "pre-run" routine.  I began drinking lots of water, ate a healthy breakfast of blueberry Greek yogurt, and some crackers with roasted-garlic hummus.  I took my multi-vitamin and my B-complex vitamin for extra energy.  I put on my wicking performance top, my Athleta running skort, a pair of dual-layer, wicking running socks, and my carefully selected and sized running shoes from a local boutique running shop.  I grabbed my Timex Ironman watch.  As I placed the watch on my wrist I noticed there was no display. The battery must be dead.  Hmmmm. Okay, no problem.  I can monitor time on my iPhone.  Next, I looked for my ear buds so I could listen to my tunes.  My music is a must-have for inspiration during my run.  Where are my ear buds?  Then it hit me.  Damn!  I left them at work.  Okay. This can be easily solved in the modern world.  I hopped in my car and drove to the local CVS pharmacy and bought a new pair of earbuds and a couple bottles of nail polish for later. :o)   Done.  I returned home, opened up the annoying plastic packaging encompassing the ear buds, grabbed my iPhone that acts as my MP3 player, filled up my water bottle, got back in the car, and headed for the running trail.

Heal your Body, Your Mind will Follow

"I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself. "

- Oprah Winfrey

If you are a survivor in the process of recovery and healing, odds are your body is stressed, fatigued, and worn down. You may be seeing a therapist, reading self-help books, or seeking spiritual help.  These activities are essential in the healing process, but only address your mind or spirit.  What about your body?  How can you heal yourself, if you are constantly weak and sick?  You need your strength to fight, recover, and heal.  You need your strength to take care of yourself and your children.  Being constantly stressed is not healthy for your body.  Chronic stress is linked to heart disease, stroke, and a weakened immune system.  A weakened immune system can make you susceptible to common colds, flu and bacterial infections.  You need a strong immune system and body to heal your mind and spirit.

I am a firm believer in the interconnection of our mind, body, and spirit. "To optimize the function of the healing system, you must do everything in your power to improve physical health, mental/emotional health, and spiritual health." (8 Weeks to Optimum Health by Andrew Weil, M.D.) How can we heal our mind, if our body is continually fatigued?  How can we heal our spirit, if our body is battling one sickness after another?  We must keep our bodies healthy and strong, if we are to heal our mind and spirit.  Feeling strong feeds our spirit.  In turn, feeding our spirit gives us courage to be strong.   Eating healthy foods, in addition to counseling or spiritual help, will provide you with a resilient body on your journey to well-being and peace.

Survival Art: Using Art Therapy to Heal

"Art opens the closets, airs out the cellars and attics. It brings healing."

-Julia Cameron

In my previous post, "Angels Got My Back", I talked about my therapist recommending journaling as a means to deal with the emotions surrounding my abusive relationship and pending divorce.  I tried journaling, but like I said, it was too painful writing down my thoughts.  I knew from my sessions in M's office, her specialty was art therapy. 

What is Art Therapy? According to the Art Therapy Alliance, art therapy is "the deliberate use of art-making to address psychological and emotional needs.  Art therapy uses art media and the creative process to help in areas such as, but not limited to: fostering self-expression, create coping skills, manage stress, and strengthen sense of self.  Art therapy has provided mental health treatment for clients who have experienced trauma, grief & loss, depression, chronic illness, substance abuse, and more."

M works with foster kids from abusive homes and other children dealing with various challenges.  She predominately uses art therapy for these children and teenagers as a means in dealing with their pain.  Her office is filled with pastels, paints, markers and sketchbooks.  The office walls are painted with colorful, bold pictures of flowers, vines, phrases, bricks and snowmen.  The paintings give me a sense of comfort and warmth regardless of not contributing to the collage of images myself.

Sometimes Setting Boundaries Hurts

Sometimes setting boundaries hurts. From Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go and sessions with my wonderful therapist, I have learned that one of the most important undertakings to implement in our healing process is setting boundaries.  But what does that mean?  And how is this accomplished? Setting boundaries is defining what you require in a new relationship to meet your needs, and also what you are not willing to accept. Setting boundaries means not taking on other individuals' dramas and crises.  And finally, setting boundaries means not accepting others' constant criticisms and judgements of who you are.

Setting boundaries in new relationships

We have to set healthy boundaries in new relationships to take care of ourselves. This is especially important for those of us recovering from domestic violence.  We cannot afford to fall into another similar situation or waste time in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. After all we've been through we must break the cycle, and we definitely deserve better.  We deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is going to love us with all our faults and accept us for who we are.  A man should be focused on meeting our needs as much as we are focused on their needs. I realize that relationships are about compromise, but we should not compromise on having our needs met.

Learning to Forgive after Domestic Violence

I had some exciting news yesterday m when I found out that the Postive Outlook facebook page which has over 680,000 followers posted my story.

I'm including the link here.  It includes some of my previous Forgiveness post and additional details of my actual abuse.

Postive Outlook Story.  Learning to Forgive after Domestic Violence

http://www.facebook.com/#!/notes/positive-outlooks/learning-to-forgive-after-domestic-violence/311067652269272

I was touched and saddened by all the comments.  But as many of the women stated, "We are Survivors."

Take care,
D

Saying Goodbye

I don't do resolutions.  But I am going to say goodbye and good riddance to some painful experiences and baggage from 2011.

I am going to say goodbye to the anger and resentment I feel for my soon-to-be ex-husband.  I have to let go to move one.  There were some good moments in our relationship.  And I will try to remember those times.

Good Things......

At the risk of sounding like Martha Stewart, I am listing some of my favorite activities to help heal your body, mind, and soul and to learn and grow.


1.  Walk. 
Walk in the morning.  Walk at night.  Or on your lunch break.  Listen to some tunes.  Focus on your breath. If you have small ones, strap them in their stroller and go.  But breathe!  Notice the birds, the sounds of traffic, people, the breeze on your face, the sun, moon or stars, the smell of laundry from your neighbor's dryer vent.


2.  Run! 
My favorite.  When I finally ran a few days after my assault, I felt so alive, so grateful, and strong.  I started to remember who I was.  I wasn't a "victim" in which the police, the Assistant DA, and the court officials kept referring to me.  I was a survivor.  I was still alive, my body still worked, and my muscles were strong.  I wasn't weak!    My mind cleared, the tension in my muscles relaxed, and I began to form my plan for how I would move on with my life.  Running can be liberating and empowering.

The Journey of Letting Go and Forgiveness (or Not!)

Today marks the one year anniversary of sending my husband to jail for assault.  It has been a day of reflection for me.  I wondered how I would feel when this day came.  I could relive those awful memories of my husband slamming my head into the tile floor in front of our son or of the police handcuffing my husband and putting him in the back of the police SUV.  Or I can focus on the positive changes in my life since that terrible night.

The Dreaded Christmas Letter

Ahhh, the dreaded Christmas Letter.  A couple of good friends who I think the world of send these letters out.  They inevitably make my eyes rolls and my stomach start to hurl.  While I don't begrudge these women their supposed perfect lives, I want to say, "Come on, is everything in your life really that rosy???"  It's healthy to focus on the good things but a bit unrealistic to think one's life is all about promotions, trips to Hawaii, and your child's straight A's.

I laugh to myself when I think about what my own Christmas Letter would be for the past year.  If, of course, I was being realistic.

Let's see.  My year started with having my husband arrested for domestic violence.