Monday, February 6, 2012

Where's My Happily Ever After?

"No one can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Marian Robinson

After two failed marriages I can not help thinking sometimes, "Where is my happily ever after?"  My happy ending? What happened to it?  Where is it? Is it hiding?  Did it run away?   The fairy tales I read as a little girl, told me we all have a happily ever after.  So where's mine?

Often in the middle of the night after E has gone to bed, and I'm alone, I ask these questions.  Don't get me wrong.  I actually enjoy being alone.  I am quite happy to have the silence envelope me at night.  I am content to go to bed alone in my king size bed.  I am satisfied to go to sleep when I want, eat when I want, leave my toothbrush where I want, my dirty clothes on the floor if I want, keep the house organized how I want.  Being alone is not the problem.

My sorrow comes from not being alone but from being lonely. 


I am grieving for a marriage that is never to be.  Certainly, I am extremely grateful for my son.  Having him in my life fills my heart with light and love. But at times when I'm feeling sorry for myself, I begin to feel robbed of the false fairy tale of getting married, having two kids, and living happily ever after.  And as I think on it further, it's not the loss of the fairy tale I grieve, but the loss of partnership.   I grieve for the man I thought I knew.  I grieve for the loss of my best friend.  I grieve that there is no one to call when I have a bad day.  There is no one to call when I have a terrific day.  I grieve for the love and trust that I should have had in a true partner.  I grieve knowing that I will not grow old with the man I thought I loved and thought loved me.  I grieve for the man I fell in love with but never truly existed.  My dream, the future I thought I would have, was stolen.  And I realize how lonely my life has become.  I wonder, "Why me?  Do I not deserve happiness?"  And this leads me further down the black hole to "What's wrong with me?"

Of course, my feeling of loneliness has not been helped by attempting to date again.  First, going out with men after an abusive relationship and divorce is a huge leap of faith.  It requires trust in myself to make good choices, and to not be attracted to the same type of man. In addition, it requires trust that not all men are controlling and self-centered.  Achieving this level of trust requires courage, hope and faith.

One would think by meeting new men I would feel less lonely.  However, the opposite has been true.  Dating is similar to going on endless job interviews one after the other; and each one ending with "Well, you are not a fit for this position at this time."  Each time I go out, I try to be positive and hope there will be a connection.  Each time I am opening myself up a little making myself vulnerable again to rejection.  This constant up and down of hope and then disappointment when there is no connection is extremely exhausting.  The experience only reinforces the thought of "What's wrong with me?"  When the man is apparently not attracted to me I can't help but to think, "What's wrong with me?"  Is my nose too big?  Do I have too many wrinkles?  Am I not skinny enough? 

Dating triggers all my underlying insecurities, my old baggage from my marriage and abuse.  These feelings of inadequacy, insignificance and unworthiness rise up to my heart and brain with full force.  "What's wrong with me?"  What is so wrong with me that required you to treat me with such condescension and disdain?  What is so awful about me that required you to hit me?  What is so horrible about me that your felt it necessary to slam my head onto the tile floor?  What is wrong with me?

And the answer is "Absolutely Nothing!"

There is nothing wrong with me.  I am a human.  I have both good qualities and bad qualities.  And while I may not be a gorgeous, long legged, super model, or a Ph.D researching a cure for cancer; I have a good heart, and I care about people. And this is enough.  I am humble enough to realize that I have much left to learn in this life.  There are areas in which I need to grow and learn and heal.  And I realize now many of my insecurities stem from my childhood.  (Yes, I know. The classic, blame it on the parents.)  I know my parents love me, but through their own issues of insecurities and life challenges, I was raised feeling unworthy, insignificant, and having to constantly prove myself to be recognized. The has led me into codependent relationships where I was again trying to prove to others that I was worthy and significant.  And always failing, because I was choosing the wrong partner.

So where is my "happy ending? My "happily ever after?"  Who knows.  Maybe a happily ever after does not require finding a true love and growing old together although it would be nice.  Maybe a happily ever after only requires you to love yourself.  For me an absolute in an happy ending is seeing my son grow into a happy, successful young man where success is defined by him not our society.  And maybe, just maybe, along the way I can learn to love and trust myself again.  As Melody Beattie says in The Language of Letting Go, "You are lovable.  Yes, you.  Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.  You've had lessons to learn.  Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.  Let go of the pain.  Open your heart to love.  You are lovable.  You are loved."


Disregard the notion that society would have us believe that happily ever after requires you to be married to your soulmate, grow old together, and "live happily ever after".  Some are lucky to achieve this.  Many of these people likely have their own challenges with health, finances, or a death of a loved one.  We never know.  Just because we  have not and may never find our true partner does not mean we are robbed of own happily ever after.  A happily ever after only requires you to live successfully as you define success and ultimately for you to love yourself.  So, be open to the universe. Be open to receiving the love the universe has to offer. And be open to loving and trusting yourself again. In that opening, you will find your happily ever after. :o)

12 comments:

  1. This is an excellent blog; I so identify with it. Thank you for helping me to see that my "happily ever after" may be for me to learn to love myself. This is a blog that I will want to reread.

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    1. Thank you, Linda. I wasn't sure how my blog would turn out as I wrote this, but I worked through some issues as I wrote. I'm sure I will need to revisit this topic from time to time as well. Take care, D

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  2. After two failed marriages where I was made to feel unworthy (and yes I also grew up with a mother who seemed to make it her life's work to make me feel worthless) I accepted that Happy Ever After doesn't really exist if it depends on someone else.
    I never intended to marry again, but I did, 13 years ago. This one seems to work because my attitude has changed. I now know that only I can be responsible for making me happy.

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    1. That's wonderful. I'm hoping I can acheive that one day.

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  3. "I now know that only I can be responsible for making me happy."

    Very true, Ayak.

    I've been married to my first (and hopefully only) wife for 15 years. If for some reason, I were to ever find myself single again, even though I am happily married now, I would be ambivalent about being married again -- my happiness doesn't depend on it. I love my wife, but for me, "happily ever after" has nothing to do with being married.

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  4. Having thought about this a little more, I honestly don't think I've ever thought, in my entire life, "What is wrong with me?"

    I have plenty of shortcomings, but that particular thought has never occurred to me.

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    2. Well, then you are very blessed! Hopefully you will never go through something where you will think "What's wrong with me?"

      However, for some of us that have come from painful childhoods and have lived through unhealthy and abusive relationships, this is something that can go through your head and requires healing to overcome. Take care, D

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  5. Nice blog! Dating is def axhausting .. I can remember giving so much and getting minimal efforts in return, but then again I wear my heart on my sleeve , so it didnt take much for me to get hurt when I was in the dating scene. My advise, take it slow. The faster the relationship goes the more vulnerable one can be.

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    1. You are so right. I resolved after writing this blog to stop dating for a while. I'm trying to find a great kickboxing class instead. :o)

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  6. Happy Sunday via the Planet Weidknecht weekend hop! Hey, don't give up...I found my true love after two failed marriages that both included violence. We've now been together almost 12 years, married almost 11, and we're still like newlyweds.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! And thanks for finding me through the hop.

      Take care,
      D

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