Living a Life in Limbo

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.

~ Dr. Seuss

One afternoon a couple years ago, my son, who was five, was watching a DVD about the Spanish Amada or maybe Sir Francis Drake.  He proceeded to tell my mom all about the history of Queen Elizabeth I and the war between England and Spain, then went back to watching his DVD.  My mom amazed at his knowledge said “One day, E is going to be teacher.”  I responded, “I’m hoping he’ll be a lawyer or a professor.”  At this point E realized we were talking about him and decides to contribute in his five year old worldly wisdom, “I think I will just be myself.” 

With a clarity and simplicity about the world that only children possess, he decisively reminded us silly adults that his choice of profession is ultimately insignificant as long as he remains true to himself.  Adults insist on labeling, classifying, judging, deciding and affirming everything and everyone.  Adults must shove, push and squash everyone into a nice, clean, concise category when we really need to Let Go.

I was reminded of this recently while visiting the orthopedic doctor’s office for pain in my left hip.  I was asked to fill out the New Patient Forms as is the case when visiting a new doctor.  I sat down with the clipboard and pen and dutifully filled in my name, gender, date of birth, and address.  I came to “Marital Status.” I stopped.  My choices were “Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed.”  Hmmmmm.  Where’s the “Separated for Over a Year, but Ex is an Asshole and Will Not Sign the Settlement Papers” choice?  I was unable to find it.

I never gave this question much thought in my married days.  But now being neither married nor divorced, what should I answer?  How about Nothing?  Why do they care?  What the hell does my marital status have to do with treating my hip anyway?!  Will the doc give me different medication if I am widowed as opposed to divorced?  Will I have different physical therapy if I am single opposed to married?  Hell, I gave my emergency contact as my mom, can’t you figure it out?

And so I left it blank.

I am living my life in limbo in "The Waiting Place."  I am no longer married, but I cannot yet call myself divorced or single.

So what am I?  For the most part I live my day to day life as if I’m divorced.  I call my son’s dad, my “ex” rather than my “soon-to-be ex”.  “Soon-to-be-ex” is much too complicated to explain to my co-workers and acquaintances.  However, the law would say I am “legally separated.”  I would say I am none of the above.  

I am myself.

My not being divorced is not for lack of trying.  My ex and I physically separated 18 months ago and legally separated 14 months ago.  But I still don’t have those stupid signed separation settlement papers in my little fist.  I have no documentation on file with the court to dictate custody, child support, visitation, etc.  We do have an unsigned set of papers that we loosely adhere to.  However, according to the papers, my ex has visitation every other weekend.  He doesn’t visit.  My ex has my son every other holiday.  He doesn’t take him. 

What he does do is pay child support late every month.  He visits roughly every two months on some random schedule only known to him.  He continually threatens to stop child support.  He insists he shouldn’t be required pay the agreed amount regardless that it’s less than the state’s calculated child support amount.  And he threatens to move back to England every other week, so he doesn’t have to pay anything at all.

Basically, he tries to manipulate and control me.  I shouldn’t be surprised.  As a narcissistic abuser, he will continue believing he is above the law.  He will continue thinking he is superior to everyone else.  Could I survive without child support?  Yes, I could.  Would it be easy?  No.  But why should I let him walk away from his duty as a father?  My ex now makes double my salary.  Double.  So, will I continue taking his money?  Hell, yeah.  I’m going to make him pay for his son as is his duty as a father and as required by law.  I’ll keep taking his child support until he makes good on his threats and moves back to England.

In the meantime, I can deal with his manipulation and controlling behavior.  I have to admit it does bother me at times.  But I am in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago or even six months ago.  I’ve learned to realize there are things out my control and things in my control.  I’ve learned not to overreact, to take deep breaths, and then calmly decide what to do.  His threats and his actions are out of my control.  But how I respond to his threats and manipulation IS something I CAN control.

I’ve learned to let his bluster go in one ear and out the other.  He has made his threats so long and often there is no weight behind them any longer.  When he starts yelling and threatening me I hold the phone away from my ear and then, at a pause, I try talking calmly.  If that doesn’t work, I calmly inform him I’m hanging up, I say goodbye, and press “End.”  I can tell you that listening to him rant and not responding in kind brings me so much satisfaction.  Not rising to the occasion means he is no longer in control.  I am.  And what an amazing accomplishment that is!

In addition, I am eliminating his ability to threaten non-payment by filing paperwork with the Child Support Enforcement office.  I’m really not sure why the hell I haven’t done this by now, but my attorneys didn’t think it was necessary originally and it would take too long if we could work out a verbal agreement.  But at this point, our house is sold, custody is definitely not an issue; so why wait for settlement papers to be filed?  The Child Support Enforcement papers will go in the mail on Monday, and then hopefully, there will be no more threats and no more manipulation because his child support payment will be out of HIS control.  Then maybe I can finally make my way through this land of limbo.

Even if our lives are in limbo, because we are waiting on some decision, a date, or a piece of paperwork; we are not helpless.  First, realize what is not in your control, and choose how you will respond.  Your response is in your control.  In most cases, the best choice is detachment and acceptance.  Second, determine what is in your control and take action. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my career that holds true in my journey of divorce is to be proactive.  Otherwise, you are still a victim to others’ whims and wants.  Don’t wait for something to happen.  Form a plan.  Do your research.  Set priorities.  Then execute your plan.  If it fails, so what?  You stood up and took action.  It’s better than sitting at home on your butt waiting for things to happen to you.  Make another plan and try again. As my mom always told me, “If at first you don’t succeed; try, try, try again.”  Eventually, you will get somewhere.  You will transverse the murky land of limbo. You will leave the Waiting Place behind.  And you will do it by taking action, being proactive, and by not being a victim.

You are a survivor.  And more importantly, you are yourself. :o)

15 Things I've Learned Since Sending My Husband to Jail

"Once you stop learning, you start dying."

~ Albert Einstein

1.        Being alone is okay and actually quite liberating.  It’s no longer necessary to exhaust yourself pleasing someone else.  Being alone means you now have time and energy discovering what pleases you and experiencing the activities you enjoy.  You can learn new skills and grow into the woman you wish to be.  Practice yoga, go running, learn to draw, or go for a hike.  There are a multitude of activities to perform or skills to learn to take care of yourself and be you.

2.       How to change out the battery on my riding lawn mower.  Just remember wear leather gloves and shoes, don’t stand in water, and red equals HOT.

3.       Don’t forget to laugh!  Laugh like a kid.  Giggle.  Laugh so hard your stomach hurts and your eyes water.  Laugh when your day is hectic and stressful and you can’t possibly handle one more thing.  Laughing helps you keep your perspective on what’s important and what’s not.  As long as you are alive, you have a reason to laugh.  Plus, you will achieve the added health benefit of releasing endorphins in your system and relieving stress.

Why I Will Not Remain Silent

“Never, never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Today a friend remarked that he didn't understand how I could continue writing about my story without going crazy.  How could I keep reliving my abuse?

So I question, "Why AM I still writing?  Should I stop?"

I have blogged for five months sharing my journey of survival and healing after domestic violence.    In the beginning, I blogged anonymously.  Eventually, I shared my blog with trusted friends who would not judge me.   Then I slowly revealed myself sharing my story on my personal Facebook page and telling certain coworkers and additional friends about my blog.

In sharing my journey I have connected with beautiful, strong women from across the United States as well as from the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, India and other countries.  I have discovered friends, coworkers and neighbors who are also survivors.  This web of interconnections has helped me heal and become stronger and more confident.

However, I must confess there are occasions when I question my reasons for blogging and wonder if I should continue.   Why am I doing this?  To feel validated?  To gain attention or sympathy?  Am I blogging for the right reasons?   Sometimes I'm tired and want to move on and live a normal life again. Sometimes I wonder if my blogging makes an impact.   Maybe people are tired of hearing me drone on and on about surviving and healing.  Blah, blah, blah.  "Yeah, whatever, Donna.  Get over it!"

Maybe I should.

But the one hurdle that I cannot get over and does not allow me to remain silent is my awareness of the pervasive attitude  that only "dumbass redneck" men commit acts of domestic violence.  And then I read of yet another woman has been murdered by her intimate partner.   Stacked on top of this woman's senseless death is watching our lawmakers pass laws limiting women's access to health care, equal pay and domestic violence support which only drives home the fact that women continue to be second-class citizens in this country.  Every day in the U.S., "more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends."

And this is why I will NOT remain silent.  



As long as our culture perpetuates the perception that domestic violence is only committed by "dumbass rednecks"  and women are treated like second class citizens, I will not remain silent.   Unfortunately,  the issue of domestic violence will not become a priority until our society stops treating women as"less than" men and is awakened to the fact that domestic violence occurs to the rich, poor, black and white.
 
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels."

Guess what?  Domestic violence is occurring next door in your suburban, affluent, gated community.  Domestic violence is occurring to your coworker whether you work at Wal-Mart, IBM, McDonald's or Bank of America.  You just don't know which coworker, because she hides her bruises on her arms and wrists by wearing long sleeves.  Domestic violence is happening to your child's teacher.  She's too ashamed to tell anyone, so she holds back her tears and courageously puts a smile on her face.  Domestic violence is happening to your friend.  She is too scared and embarrassed to confide in you.  She's afraid you won't believe her.

Don't you get it?   I'm embarrassed to say I didn't until it happened to me. Whether we would like to believe it or not, domestic violence is happening next door every day of every week.   Abuse is waging it's war against your best friend, your neighbor, your co-worker, your hairdresser, or your child's teacher.  Maybe you'd like to think it is not happening in YOUR neighborhood.  Sadly, it is. You aren't aware, because your friends and neighbors are embarrassed and ashamed, and you want to believe it's not possible and turn away.

According to psychotherpist, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D in her book "Not to People Like Us": Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, the women she interviewed "stated their silence was due to the fear that others would doubt their stories because 'marital abuse doesn't happen...to people like us...with education...in this neighborhood." There is a common thread of fear of being disbelieved, embarrassment and shame, and rejection by friends and relatives.

This fear doesn't only occur within upscale marriages.  This same shame and embarrassment can be found in middle and upper-middle class marriages as well.  I possessed this fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment.  Domestic violence isn't supposed to occur to women like me, college educated as an engineer, business savvy, and working in a man's world.  I thought I was confident enough, feisty enough, intelligent enough that I would never place myself in the position of being abused.  But I wasn't.  And if it can happen to this feisty, college-educated woman, abuse can happen to anyone.

Domestic violence affects the rich, the affluent, the middle class, and the poor.  Domestic violence happens to the lawyer, the executive, the teacher, the nurse, and the maid.   Domestic violence is perpetrated against the woman on welfare and the woman in the corner office.   Domestic violence is a virus.  There are no exceptions, and there is no vaccine.

This secret and shameful abuse will persist behind closed doors until our society realizes that domestic violence affects everyone.  The controlling, intimidation, and withholding of money will continue against your coworker.  The yelling, name-calling, and put-downs will continue against your friend.  The pushing, shoving, kicking, and punching will continue to be endured by your neighbor until we as a society stop turning our heads and finally realize that violence, whether it's experienced by the single low-income mother of five or the married attorney with the six-figure salary, is unacceptable. 

As long as our culture, our lawmakers, husbands, fathers, brothers, and most important, we, ourselves--treat women as second-class citizens, domestic violence will continue to be endured.  Gloria Steinem has said, "Don't think about making women fit the world - think about making the world fit women."  

The time is now to face the facts that domestic violence is not something that happens to "other" people.  The time is now to stop turning our heads and looking the other way. 

And the time is now, as victims, survivors, friends, and women, to stand up.  Share your story.  Support your friend.  Stop being embarrassed.  Stop being ashamed.  Ask your neighbor if she's okay.  Let your voice be heard. 

Shout it out with the full force of your womanly lungs, "ENOUGH!"  And only then will this world be fit for women and domestic violence be eliminated for all.

New Beginnings - A Time of Change

"No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!"

-C JoyBell C

Today is Earth Day. And here in the southeastern United States, we are definitely in the throes of spring. My rose bushes are weighted down with an abundance of red blooms, green lizards are running across my deck, trees are green with their new leaves, irises and azaleas are blooming, and blue herons are building their nests. With this abundance of color and growth, I reflect on renewal and new beginnings.

Today marks one year of being legally separated from my abuser. North Carolina divorce law requires married couples to be separated for a year with no attempts of reconciliation. My husband last attacked me on December 26, 2010. I called the police, and they took him to jail. Upon release from jail he flew immediately to Tennessee where he had been living since November. My husband was required to attend anger management and parenting classes. Ten weeks into his anger management classes, my husband said he wanted us to be a family again.  I had hopes my husband had learned from his mistakes and had evolved into a more compassionate person. So we attempted to reconcile in the spring of 2011.

We visited the mountains of North Carolina with our son during his school's spring break. As a family we hiked the trails and visited craft and antique shops. I had the unrealistic expectation that he would be a changed man. Unfortunately, this was not the case. We continued to argue, and I could see his anger boiling beneath the surface. He blamed me for all our problems. He would not acknowledge any responsibility for his actions the night he assaulted me. I walked on eggshells the remainder of the week worrying he would blow up.

I know now that no amount of anger management classes will change the essence of a person's soul. If they are an arrogant, selfish, uncompassionate narcissist, they always will be. They will continue to believe they are superior, above the law, and unaccountable for their actions.

Running with One Headlight: Learning Acceptance

“I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
- Maya Angelou

I was having writer's block.  Or maybe it's called blogger's block.  Ideas bounced around in my mind, but nothing was inspiring me.  So I decided to go for a run. 

I began executing my "pre-run" routine.  I began drinking lots of water, ate a healthy breakfast of blueberry Greek yogurt, and some crackers with roasted-garlic hummus.  I took my multi-vitamin and my B-complex vitamin for extra energy.  I put on my wicking performance top, my Athleta running skort, a pair of dual-layer, wicking running socks, and my carefully selected and sized running shoes from a local boutique running shop.  I grabbed my Timex Ironman watch.  As I placed the watch on my wrist I noticed there was no display. The battery must be dead.  Hmmmm. Okay, no problem.  I can monitor time on my iPhone.  Next, I looked for my ear buds so I could listen to my tunes.  My music is a must-have for inspiration during my run.  Where are my ear buds?  Then it hit me.  Damn!  I left them at work.  Okay. This can be easily solved in the modern world.  I hopped in my car and drove to the local CVS pharmacy and bought a new pair of earbuds and a couple bottles of nail polish for later. :o)   Done.  I returned home, opened up the annoying plastic packaging encompassing the ear buds, grabbed my iPhone that acts as my MP3 player, filled up my water bottle, got back in the car, and headed for the running trail.