New Beginnings - A Time of Change

"No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!"

-C JoyBell C

Today is Earth Day. And here in the southeastern United States, we are definitely in the throes of spring. My rose bushes are weighted down with an abundance of red blooms, green lizards are running across my deck, trees are green with their new leaves, irises and azaleas are blooming, and blue herons are building their nests. With this abundance of color and growth, I reflect on renewal and new beginnings.

Today marks one year of being legally separated from my abuser. North Carolina divorce law requires married couples to be separated for a year with no attempts of reconciliation. My husband last attacked me on December 26, 2010. I called the police, and they took him to jail. Upon release from jail he flew immediately to Tennessee where he had been living since November. My husband was required to attend anger management and parenting classes. Ten weeks into his anger management classes, my husband said he wanted us to be a family again.  I had hopes my husband had learned from his mistakes and had evolved into a more compassionate person. So we attempted to reconcile in the spring of 2011.

We visited the mountains of North Carolina with our son during his school's spring break. As a family we hiked the trails and visited craft and antique shops. I had the unrealistic expectation that he would be a changed man. Unfortunately, this was not the case. We continued to argue, and I could see his anger boiling beneath the surface. He blamed me for all our problems. He would not acknowledge any responsibility for his actions the night he assaulted me. I walked on eggshells the remainder of the week worrying he would blow up.

I know now that no amount of anger management classes will change the essence of a person's soul. If they are an arrogant, selfish, uncompassionate narcissist, they always will be. They will continue to believe they are superior, above the law, and unaccountable for their actions.

Running with One Headlight: Learning Acceptance

“I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
- Maya Angelou

I was having writer's block.  Or maybe it's called blogger's block.  Ideas bounced around in my mind, but nothing was inspiring me.  So I decided to go for a run. 

I began executing my "pre-run" routine.  I began drinking lots of water, ate a healthy breakfast of blueberry Greek yogurt, and some crackers with roasted-garlic hummus.  I took my multi-vitamin and my B-complex vitamin for extra energy.  I put on my wicking performance top, my Athleta running skort, a pair of dual-layer, wicking running socks, and my carefully selected and sized running shoes from a local boutique running shop.  I grabbed my Timex Ironman watch.  As I placed the watch on my wrist I noticed there was no display. The battery must be dead.  Hmmmm. Okay, no problem.  I can monitor time on my iPhone.  Next, I looked for my ear buds so I could listen to my tunes.  My music is a must-have for inspiration during my run.  Where are my ear buds?  Then it hit me.  Damn!  I left them at work.  Okay. This can be easily solved in the modern world.  I hopped in my car and drove to the local CVS pharmacy and bought a new pair of earbuds and a couple bottles of nail polish for later. :o)   Done.  I returned home, opened up the annoying plastic packaging encompassing the ear buds, grabbed my iPhone that acts as my MP3 player, filled up my water bottle, got back in the car, and headed for the running trail.

Are Your Sure There's No "War on Women"?

Are you absolutely certain there is no Republican "War on Women"?   Because I'm a little frightened to be a woman in this country right now, and from where I'm standing I feel like I am under attack. Women are being bombarded with legislature at the state and federal level aimed at taking away our rights.  And Republicans are leading the charge.

First, let's talk about the Blunt Amendment.  In retaliation to the Obama administration's birth control coverage rule, Republican Senators attempted to add the amendment to a highway funding bill that would allow not only religious groups but any employer to reject covering individual aspects of health insurance they find morally questionable, not just contraception. This amendment would essentially require women to ask their employers permission to use birth control pills, get a mammogram or a PAP smear.  Anything.  Fortunately, the amendment did not pass, but what the hell were the Republicans thinking?  Should we require men walk into their bosses' office when they feel horny and announce they are taking Viagra tonight, because they have a feeling they are going to get lucky?  Considering the odds their boss is a man, they would probably say, "That's great!  Glad someone is getting some."  And if their boss is one of the 20 million Rush Limbaugh radio listeners, they will likely ask to watch the video of the Viagra in use. 

But unlike Viagra, oral contraceptives are prescribed to protect a women's health.  Apparently, Rush and his similarly narrow-minded counterparts have trouble understanding this part.  As Sandra Fluke eventually was able to present to Democratic members of the House of Representatives, oral contraceptives are prescribed to regulate polycystic ovarian syndrome which can lead to decreased infertility.  Or in my case, nearly death.

Making Peace with my Reflection in the Mirror

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

- Buddha

My therapist says I need to learn to love myself. As much as I love my son. She says I will have a difficult time beginning a new relationship until I do.

Huh? How do I do that? How do I know when I love myself enough? How do I know that I don't love myself right now?

Then it hit me. I don't truly love myself right now. As recently as last week, I was deeply hurt when a genuine, caring, gentle man I had begun dating decided he didn't want to continue the relationship. He was afraid he was not what I needed or that I wasn't ready to start dating again. Immediately I started falling down that dark hole thinking, "What's wrong with me?” I thought, "He doesn't want a relationship with me, because I'm broken. I'm not whole. I'm defective. I'm tarnished. Tainted. No one will ever love me again, because I let someone abuse me. Something must be wrong with me because I allowed the abuse to happen". Suddenly, all my insecurities came bubbling up to the surface overwhelming my mind. Again.

For the Love of a Child

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

This is the story of how I met my abuser and how I found the strength to leave.

I was married once before. My husband had two boys from a previous marriage and had custody every other week. In the beginning I was unsure whether I wanted a child or not. I was busy with working long hours and traveling. Also, the thought of being responsible for the life of one tiny human being was terribly frightening. In the meantime, I enjoyed being a part of my stepsons' lives, taking them to school, helping with homework, caring for then when sick, and cleaning up after them. It seemed to be enough for a while. Then 9/11 happened. While I did not know anyone killed or injured in the attacks, like many Americans, I was profoundly affected by the horror of these atrocities. The tragedy of people losing their lives on those planes, and at the World Trade Center and Pentagon began to consume my mind.  I began to think more about my own mortality. While I had previously dealt with my mortality in my early 20s, I was again coming to grips with the fact our lives are short. More importantly, at 31, I was running out of time, if I wanted to leave something of myself behind. Yes, I could write a bestselling novel, paint a masterpiece, find the cure for cancer or right some social injustice. But these events seemed highly unlikely. I was a natural nurturer, caregiver, and teacher. Slowly the idea of bringing a child into the world and teaching them all the wonders of life took hold of me. Maybe some beauty and good could come out of this horrible event. At first, my husband wasn't too keen on the idea. After all, he had two boys who were 10 and 11 at this point. He considered his diaper changing days over. After a few months, he reluctantly came around to the idea out of consideration for me.